But I still do not have the courage to share fully what I've experienced at that time not because I'm ashamed of it but because I'm still in the process of healing my memory. I'm having trouble recalling things that happened during those times and of the years before the desert year. I don't want to share things that I'm not sure how to tell.
Yet, I do remember the emotional roller coaster I was in at that time and how very much grateful I am to our Lord because I am where I am now. I know this so because those are two things that are very much alive in my memory until now and also, they are reflected in my journal. So let me share an entry, perhaps it can be a blessing to a friend.
x X x
March 28, 2010
Dear Dad,
Ang hirap pala talaga mag-antay. So super nakakahanga yung mga taong nag-aantay nang matagal. Like sa Bible, naalala ko si Hannah, yung mom ni Samuel.
Just a thought...or some thoughts on 1 Samuel 1.
When Hannah was waiting for a child, bitterness came upon her. Her response to the bitterness was to cry out in sorrow and anguish to the Lord.
I, too, have been waiting for a promise from God. I've asked many times. Sometimes I find myself asking without any feeling, sometimes confused. But most of the time I ask to receive the promise with feelings of sorrow and anguish just like Hannah.
Lesson learned: Bitterness is a natural emotion when you are waiting for a promise and have not received it yet. You may even get to a point where you feel frustrated. But amidst the feelings, all the emotions, it is important to remain faithful to the Lord. To remember that God is faithful and will fulfill His promise no matter what.
Haha. Dad, ang gulo ng entry kong ito.
x X x
Background on this entry: I slightly remember writing this short entry (I call it short because I usually write at least 2 pages in my journal) in a span of x-hours. I had nothing to do: I was unemployed then and although I've been accepted at San Beda to study law, start of classes was two long months away. I was also literally alone because my sister (who I am living with) had work and even though we had a housekeeper then, it's not like she was free of chores to spend time with me.
Anyway, that day, I probably stayed in bed all day as I struggled to be still and keep a quiet heart. At that time, I have already developed a habit of only writing in my journal when I am consumed by the urge to do so. And when I do write, I write in between long periods of thinking. Keeping a record of the desert year was also a struggle because I didn't want to remember every pain I was feeling then for me to read and look back on. I was being careful of what I would like to read in the future so I thought long and hard and asked God for words to use.
Ahhh...it looks like I still can't explain myself well. But I pray that you get the picture: that I was broken when God, being God, followed his own timing and made me wait a long time (in men's eyes). BUT I am where I am now (a haggard but very content law student) because of him and only HIM. I came out of the desert year bruised and broken BUT I am mending. And I cannot and dare not take credit for all that He has done in me.
He broke me to teach me to rely on Him and only Him. Maybe that's what he's doing in your life as well. So hang in there dear friends. (:
He broke me to teach me to rely on Him and only Him. Maybe that's what he's doing in your life as well. So hang in there dear friends. (:
If I must boast, I would rather boast about the things that show how weak I am. - 2 Corinthians 11:30
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”- Psalm 46:10
:D
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