Saudade

So...

A lot has happened since my last post - which was in November. I planned that the next thing I would talk about in here is the wedding that I attended last December. But, it looks like I can't talk about that yet.

Confession: Life got to me. I got really busy during the first half of 2014. And by the second half of it, when I finally had the time, I found out that words escape me. I couldn't process my experiences - there were a lot of learning experiences. And that made me really sad about myself. I felt like I have gained all this knowledge about people and how the world works but I couldn't tell anyone.

Another confession: I still can't. I don't know the exact reason behind what I'm going through right now but it's the way things are right now. Sometimes I think that maybe I need to get myself checked by a psychologist. But, most of the time, I just tell myself na nag-iinarte lang ako (that I am just being emotional).

Bottomline: I don't like myself right now. Which makes it difficult for me to like people. Which means that as much as possible, and now more than ever, I don't want to be with people right now. I have very few exceptions - family and friends who have suffered with me in the past.

Anyway...

The title behind this post is Saudade. It's a word that I have recently learned about. It's Portuguese/Galician that doesn't have a one-word translated meaning. It means ALL this:

For me, the beloved is myself. If you're judging me right now, I don't blame you. Haha. I mean, I understand if you have thoughts about how whiny and egotistical I sound right now. It's alright - because I am thinking the same thing.

Earlier in this post, I mentioned about not liking myself right now. It's because I miss the "old me". The me before life got to me - before I got totally disenchanted and skeptical and somewhat calculating. I miss being genuinely caring towards people the most.

I can't go into details right now - and most probably, I never will. So... I will end this post here. And begin writing my new entry.

Don't worry. It's not as gloomy as this one. :)

‘Love the Lord your God 

with all your heart 

and with all your soul 

and with all your mind 

and with all your strength.’ 

 The second is this:

 ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 

 There is no commandment greater than these.

Mark 12:30-31